Marriage can be challenging to nurture under the best circumstances. Add in five children, two demanding careers, and the complexities of military life, and it might seem inevitable that romance would take a back seat. But I’ve learned that maintaining intimacy in a marriage isn’t just possible—it’s essential. A thriving marriage isn’t a luxury; it’s the cornerstone of a healthy family.
Keeping the spark alive takes intention, creativity, and prioritizing each other even when life gets hectic. The goal isn’t perfection but connection. Small, consistent efforts are the building blocks of a lasting bond. Here’s my take on how to balance marriage, intimacy, and parenthood as a military family while nurturing a relationship that flourishes.
The Power of Communication
Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, but in the whirlwind of parenting and military life, it often becomes purely logistical. Conversations about schedules, school drop-offs, or what’s for dinner can dominate, leaving little room for meaningful connection. To combat this, my husband and I carve out time for intentional conversations. Our weekly “check-in” is a simple yet effective tool to reconnect. During this time, we reflect on three key questions:
What went well for us this week?
What’s one area we can improve as a team?
How can I support you better?
These questions foster openness, helping us celebrate wins, address concerns, and build a sense of partnership. It’s not about fixing everything but about staying in tune with each other’s needs.
For military families, communication during deployments or separations is even more critical. When my husband is away for training or missions, we use platforms like FaceTime, WhatsApp, and even simple text messages to stay connected. Sharing photos, videos, and funny moments from the kids allows us to bridge the distance emotionally. It’s not just about staying informed but about preserving the emotional closeness that sustains our relationship.
Keeping the Playfulness Alive
It’s easy to lose sight of the lightheartedness that once defined your relationship. Yet, laughter and playfulness are essential to maintaining intimacy.
My husband and I intentionally find ways to laugh together, whether it’s through sharing memes, watching a comedy, or reminiscing about funny memories from our early dating days. Laughter isn’t just good for the soul; it’s a powerful way to reconnect.
As parents of young children, we’ve learned to infuse playfulness into the rhythm of our everyday tasks. One of our favorite ways to playfully connect is by cooking meals together, often to the soulful backdrop of 90s R&B. We love teaching each other new recipes and holding each other while dancing in the kitchen. Small, silly moments like these remind us why we fell in love and help us rediscover joy amid the busyness.
Sometimes, keeping the playfulness alive means stepping outside your comfort zone. Whether it’s joining the kids in a backyard game, attempting a new hobby together - we recently started learning to play the saxophone, or planning a spontaneous family dance-off, shared experiences bring joy and deepen your connection.
Prioritizing Intimacy
Physical and emotional intimacy often take a backseat when life feels overwhelming. Between late-night feedings, career demands, and the ever-changing needs of our kids, it’s easy to let exhaustion take over. But intimacy—both physical and emotional—is the glue that holds a marriage together.
Rethink what intimacy looks like in your marriage. While physical closeness is vital, intimacy is also found in the small, meaningful gestures that create connection. A lingering hug, holding hands during a walk, or cuddling together in quiet companionship after a long day can be just as powerful as a romantic date night.
Scheduling time for connection, even in small increments, can make a big difference. In our home, we set aside at least 1 hour every evening to reconnect. Whether we’re sharing our thoughts, talking about future dreams, or simply enjoying each other’s presence, these moments help us stay emotionally close.
If physical intimacy feels out of reach during certain seasons, prioritize emotional intimacy. Vulnerability—sharing your thoughts, fears, or joys—can deepen your bond in powerful ways. If you’re feeling disconnected, approach the conversation with love and understanding. Saying something like, “I miss feeling close to you. Can we set aside time for just us this week?” opens the door to connection without placing blame.
Marriage as a Team Effort
In the unique challenges of military life, a thriving marriage requires teamwork. Parenthood, career demands, and military responsibilities can often feel like competing priorities. But by approaching your relationship as a partnership, you can navigate even the most demanding seasons together.
When my husband and I tackle challenges as a team, we lean on each other’s strengths. For example, I’m more detail-oriented, while he’s better at seeing the big picture. By dividing tasks based on our skills, we ease each other’s burdens and create a sense of shared accomplishment.
Part of being a team is knowing when to lean on external support. For military families, resources like chaplains, counseling services, and community programs can provide valuable tools to strengthen your relationship. Don’t hesitate to seek help when needed—it’s a sign of strength, not weakness.
Setting an Example for Your Children
One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a healthy, loving marriage. When they see you prioritize your relationship, they learn valuable lessons about love, partnership, and resilience.
Children thrive in environments where their parents’ relationship is strong. A connected marriage creates a foundation of stability and warmth that ripples through the entire family. By showing your kids what it looks like to communicate openly, resolve conflicts respectfully, and nurture intimacy, you’re setting them up for healthy relationships of their own.
In our home, we make a point to let our kids see us enjoying each other’s company. Whether it’s stealing a kiss in the kitchen, laughing over an inside joke, or sharing a family hug, these moments reinforce the love that holds us together.
I asked my husband recently what he thinks is the key to balancing life within a marriage and he stated:
“Effective communication is key, especially in front of the kids. It requires being receptive and adaptable to the unpredictability of military life. Not everything needs to be an argument. Sometimes, staying flexible and understanding helps maintain peace at home. I remember a time when I asked you to pack up the kids to pick me up from work, only to not be released. Your calmness and patience in that moment set an example for our kids, showing them how to handle challenges with grace and understanding.”
(SGT. Terry Cook Jr., Information Technology Specialist/Communications Representative to the 2ID Commanding General with Sisco Company)
Embracing Imperfection
Some days, the to-do list feels endless, and romantic gestures take a backseat to survival mode. That’s okay. What matters is the effort you put into nurturing your relationship, even in the small, quiet ways.
For military families, life is often unpredictable. PCS moves, deployments, and long hours can strain even the strongest bonds. But with intention, creativity, and a shared commitment to each other, your marriage can thrive in any circumstance.
Remember, intimacy isn’t just about grand gestures—it’s about showing up for each other daily. It’s in the laughter shared over a silly joke, the warmth of a hug after a long day, and the quiet moments of connection before falling asleep. These small efforts build a foundation for marriage that stands strong, no matter what life throws your way.
Final Thoughts
Juggling children, careers, and military life is no easy feat. But prioritizing your marriage is worth every ounce of effort. When your relationship thrives, it not only strengthens your bond but enriches your family as a whole.
As a fellow military spouse, I encourage you to embrace the journey of balancing marriage, intimacy, and parenthood. Perfection isn’t the goal—connection is. By investing in each other and staying intentional about your relationship, you’re building a love that can weather any storm and a family foundation that will flourish for years to come.
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