Diamonds in the Rough: Falling in Love With Rejection

Why has one never said, “I’m so pleased to announce that I have been rejected?” The short answer is no mystery. People often keep their rejection to themselves, viewing them as failures or believing that because they did not meet some societal expectation of success they are somehow unworthy. The line between acceptance and rejection is sometimes quite slim, highlighting the paradox that defines our lives. The truth is, we live in a dichotomous world where opposite ends of the spectrum—good/ bad, success/failure, acceptance/rejection—carry tremendous weight in our lives. These include where we live, who we date, clubs we join, our jobs, and, thus, our livelihoods and overall quality of life. Navigating this balancing act can feel equivalent to performing on a trapeze wire, requiring flexibility, coordination, and adaptability to propel ourselves and our families forward. But what if I told you that although it can stir painful feelings to be denied, rejection is NOT all bad? In fact, it is a necessary part of character development and personal growth, and the Spring season is the perfect time to remember this juncture.

Spring is often accompanied by warmer weather, a welcomed change for all who experienced the bone-chilling cold of winter. In the animal kingdom, many new babies are born, a reflection of the more hospitable environment. The world then looks to the Spring season as a renewed time to celebrate new life while surviving the previous harshness that we all had to navigate. Thus, Spring can also be characterized as a restored opportunity to take stock of the challenges we’ve faced, how we overcame those struggles, and how we matured along the way. In this light, rejection, and failure are significant parts of these processes. They push us to survive until circumstances become more hospitable, sometimes even forcing us into a type of metamorphosis, allowing for the vital development of our character. This “Spring evolution” works to prepare us for the future that lies ahead. But we often cannot produce this integral growth without the painful sting of rejection or failure. Too often, we avoid situations where rejection is possible, choosing instead the comfort of sidestepping our fears. But, by doing so, you also deny yourself the opportunity to grow into the person you need to be to thrive in the next phase of your life. So, I encourage you to move forward bravely and practice gratitude for all of your opportunities–regardless of the outcome. Most importantly, remember that giving yourself grace in the face of challenges is key to helping you healthily deal with rejection and failure.

This notion begs the question: If rejection is unavoidable in life, then why does it feel so awful? Intuition would tell us that it is part of our social nature to want to be accepted–by our friends and families, the communities we hold dear, and even within our workplaces. This desire for social acceptance does not know nor understand the boundaries that separate our personal from our professional lives. So, in both our quest for intimate relationships and fulfilling our career dreams, rejection can often derail our confidence, damage our self-image, and lead to the self-sabotage of avoidance, which can hurt our future aspirations. But there is a hidden message in rejection. It is a necessary component of social development; you can think of it as life’s built-in self-improvement mechanism. From childhood, we are introduced to rejection, be it on a much smaller scale, and throughout our lives, the stakes seem to increase, but the feeling often remains. From a minor inconvenience to a gut-wrenching setback, being turned down can frequently feel like our lives are out of control or even like we are not worthy of the opportunity. Yet, facing rejection head-on can allow us to practice the emotional resilience we need to forge a new path. This experience helps us to become more adaptable and courageous in the face of adversity.

Rejection, in addition to the feelings it produces, also offers us a chance to evolve into the person we need to be in the next step of our life. A transformation? Is that really what makes rejection a necessity? I understand that this may not be what you want to hear, and truth be told, in my own experiences, I didn’t want to hear it either. But consider this—if we were handed everything we ever desired, would we ever grow? Unfortunately, I do not have the answer to this. But I do know that it is universally scientifically accepted that things that do not grow and do not evolve, will likely perish. This is not to say that you will literally die if you do not learn to accept rejection, but it does guarantee that you compound your struggle if you do not know how to transform negative aspects of your life into a new positive view. But there are ubiquitous things in life; rejection is one of those certainties. Even early man had to continuously adapt to stay alive. Learning to hunt, fish, and build seems a far cry from the magazine, smartphone, or laptop on which you are reading this column, right? Today, developing the skills we require to move forward is more refined. Resilience, enhanced leadership, advanced critical thinking, or improved emotional intelligence are often the rewards we reap when we overcome adversity in the form of rejection. 

Moving forward, we should all aim to treat the rejections as advanced skill-building opportunities. With each instance of rejection, we face a eureka moment. An essential (and sometimes surprising) lesson that you need to learn in preparation for the next phase in your life. The concept of love, what it means, and how to recognize whether you are genuinely experiencing it is the subject of another column. But broadly, “falling in love with rejection” provides us the necessary space to appreciate our failures by facing rejection and accepting the lessons accompanying those failures. This process allows us all to grow while being aware of how our intentional evolution can help prepare us for the unknown. So go forth, applauding your ability to put yourself out there, celebrating your capacity to be courageous, and always practicing self-love in all its forms.